I've composed this blog (and all of its variations) a million and one times in my head.
I've started by saying that "we only have 1 tablespoon of brown sugar left"....
(we can't find brown sugar here, or molasses to make our own brown sugar)
Or complaining about how much I dislike myself for the inadequate mothering I think I am doing....
Or giving the whole back story of how Marco and I met and delving into 101 issues that I don't really feeling like airing out publicly....
But.... I'm not going to write those stories tonight.
I have a serious lack of motivation to do much of anything.... We've been waiting, a very long time for something.... immigration papers to be more exact... but nothing seems to be happening.
I had this unspoken expectation that things would be taken care of shortly after the kids and I returned from the United States to Honduras. That we would return to a first world country with parks, and public transportation that didn't make my little girl throw up every single time we tried to get out of town. That my husband would be able to have a job that provided for our families needs........ and I could go on and on about my now unfulfilled hopes.
Nothing has happened. We've been back here in Honduras a month and a half. Things are getting harder. I'm trying hard to enjoy this phase in life.... I do realize that it is a cool experience to have. It would be even cooler if we were older... like retired, and we were living in some small beach town (instead of a small mountain town in the middle of nowhere), and if I drank (which I don't) or used some little recreational drugs (again something I just don't do), or if I were interested in wasting my days away (which really, I'm not).... then maybe this situation would be better. But that's not reality. We are in a small mountain town in the middle of nowhere, we are young, and have two very young children that we would love to give more to (parks, swimming, libraries, hikes in the woods, playing in the creeks, throwing rocks in the ocean (or even a lake), cupcakes, primary, playgroups.... etc).... and we are required to have patience..... a LOT of patience as we wait.
We've looked into things that we can do and it's pretty much nothing (unless we pursue different paths).
We can not call the embassy to see what is going on with our papers.... they do not answer their phones.
We can not "drop in".... they will not see us.
We CAN send an inquiry by email into our case status... BUT they do not have to reply, ever. And if they do want to reply they have 28 working days to do so (which is WAY longer than a month).
I am loosing patience. We have been waiting a LONG time (as in Maria is almost 3 and we sent our papers in shortly after she was born). I did the calculations the other day, but forgot the exact date because I didn't write it down, and sometime mid-august Cooper will have spent more of his life in Honduras than he has in the United States. I had never really thought about that, I guess I just assumed that we would be on to the next phase in life before that happened.
Now.... all that complaining done for the moment, I'm going to list the things I'm grateful for, more for my benefit.... to try to remember the good things and keep things in perspective. I am grateful for this experience. I'm so grateful to get to know Marco's family. They are all so incredibly wonderful. I'm grateful for the opportunity to know where Marco grew up, and understand some of the decisions he made in the past. I'm grateful that we can live here in a third world country and see the poverty... it has made me distinguish more between wants and needs, luxuries and necessities. I do think that I am becoming a better person for the things that I have experienced here.
Now, the reason for this whole post. I am loosing my patience (which I have already said), I am tired of waiting (which, again, I have already said), I am REALLY looking forward to the day when we can celebrate good news (I think we're going to kill the turkey and have a party!!) Motivation to be positive, and upbeat, and take pictures, and blog about the cool things that are happening with us here in Honduras is hard to find. I will try, but most of my motivation will probably go towards making meals, doing dishes, trying to find fun things for the kids to do, picking up toys, folding laundry, and on the rare occasion cleaning the bathroom.
10 comments:
Hang in there Meredith. You are often in my thoughts and also in my prayers. I have a saying I love, when times are hard for me, "Remember, you have to laugh more than you cry." So keep that Meynder's sense of humor alive. I hope the next chapter begins soon for you.
I have no great words for you, Mairs. But I'm glad you can share your frustrations with us on here. I hope it helps to get it out, just a little bit?
After Taela died a wise woman once told me (I think her name was Laura or something weird like that) to keep a journal where I wrote just one good/happy/positive/thankful thing a day. That no matter how sad, blue and crappy a day I was having, if I could just find ONE thing to write down, it would help. And it did. So I'm passing it along. And probably am going to restart it again seeing as how life seems to just suck sometimes!
I love you. I love your energy, your spirit. You're an awesome mom, an awesome friend, and awesome lady.
I wish there was something I could do to help alleviate your frustrations. I do admire your courage in this journey, I don't think I would be strong enough. Don't judge yourself too harshly, you are doing a great job of being a mother. I marvel at what you have been capable of doing.
Meridith,
Thanks you so much for sharing your journey with us. I so admire you for doing all that you are doing. You are a truely amazing daughter of Heavenly father. I marvel at your blog and look forward to reading it. You are learning what is important in life.
Your little ones smiles, a husband who loves you and that you love, sunshine, flowers. A precious Dad who helped you get a counter and sink in the kitchen to wash dishes in. Plants that grow wherever they fall (your mango tree).
I think about the pioneers and the struggles they went through, you certainly understand their struggle.
You are teaching your daughter there is more to life than being a princess and your little boy will learn there is more to life than video games. They will learn how to entertain themselves, be creative, and use their imaginations. They will learn their heritage from Marco's family
and learn their customs. They will learn how to work hard and to love their family, that life is much more than the sum total of the things we accumulate in this world.
You my dear lady are stronger than you realize and braver than you know!!! Have faith and know the Lord is there, He loves you and is watching over you even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes.
We love your family even if we don't know your little ones well.
Thank-you for sharing and giving us all a reality check about what really is important in life.
Thank-you again for sharing your adventure.Love You and Admire You! Bonnie Walker, (Laura Lopez's mom)
Thinking of you and your little family! You are such an inspiration to me. Don't lose hope- your time is coming! Can't wait to read about the celebration on here! Prayers to you.
Life is super crappy sometimes, huh. All I can say is that I'm SO sorry, and I'd be extremely frustrated and angry, too. If I were there, I'd tell you you could give my arm a good punazo if you wanted. :)
You are one of the most amazing people I know. I have always thought that. We know about dealing with immigration...no one to answer questions and just waiting, and when you finally get a response, it isn't the news you were expecting. The sunshine is at the end of the tunnel, however! You'll see that this time is all worth it! I love to get on your blog and read about life in Hondurus. It brings me a lot of perspective because you have a way with words and describing exactly what life is about: family! Keep up the faith and the positive attitude! You and your family are learning so much and so am I!
This is Chad. I know I am the ever optimist, and you probably hate it. But we were talking in priesthood today about pain and I thought of you. (pain, trial, hardness, all very similar) The question was asked as to why we have pain. We know the typical answers. but there where two answers I liked and thought applied to you. first: You can look at pain as one side of the pendulum, if it swings very shallowly toward the pain side, you are probably not going to get the fullness of the happiness side either. Yet if you are subjected to immense pain, your joy is much more full and your are able to recognize joy where you might not have been able to before, or larger amounts.
second. Pain and happiness can be likened to breaking a horse. it takes many hours, and is very labor intensive, and can be very dangerous, but once accomplished, the horse follows the master very well.
Just thinking of you. I do that a lot. Love and miss you
Chad
I just watched the DVD on the life of Mother Theresa. Even she fell into times of discouragement. I love this post because it is so real. And try not to forget that even in this first world country with all its resources, there are many moms who suffer depression and never get out to use them. Your mom is so right when she states that your children will learn how to be creative, and most importantly thankful for small things in life. You are saving them from so much here. I remember in sociology learning that people in third world countries experienced more joy than we do. -loves- Angela
Meredith,
Thank you for this post. You are very inspiring and as sick as it sounds this post really brought me comfort.
I have had similar feelings lately. Kindof like, "enough already I am so done with all of this!!"
You are wonderful and I would agree that your kids are very blessed by the circumstances they are getting to be raised in.
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